Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!
Schaffer The Darklord/Captured! By Robots//Tribeca Rock Club//11/18/05
I shouldn't've gone out Friday. I knew that. I was fully prepared to stay in since I had to get up super early Saturday and I needed all of my strength to deal with my family. That's why I never bought adv. tix to the show. But when I got an email ending with see you Friday, I figured that since I'm spending the day at a baby shower, seeing Seanchai the night before would make me feel so much better. But since there was a wuss in the bunch (not me), C!BR was back on, especially now that Tribeca is closing down in December. I'm not too surprised about that. Even winning "Best Club For The Lazy & Limp-Legged" can't help because of their booking and they only have shows from Wednesday to Saturday--and they get primarily jam bands, tribute bands, and no-namers, but not enough of the good stuff. Saw The Zambonis/Atom there, the Briefs, Mary Prankster, Satanicide, C!BR, Zambonis headlining, Juliette & the Licks. They did, oddly enough, book some punk shows but in NYC, you gotta have shows every night in order to stay afloat.
I was just worried because not only did I have to get up early Saturday, I had a late show that nite. And I was out on Thursday--not the "Dead Kennedys" but Lady Unluck for Lizzie Boredom's last Continental show before she heads west for Fabulous Disaster and Dougie Needles & the Public Offenders, who all had the flu. (Mandy said she was going to see the "DK." It's a good thing I told her about the gig, then, since she's a fan. She also didn't know Jello Biafra isn't in the band anymore. "When else are we gonna get an opportunity to see them? Then again, that's what we said about The (NY) Dolls and now it seems they're playing every week.) When I woke up on Friday my back hurt and my shoulder socket ached as did my arm. But it feels like there's something in the air--and not just the cold I'm coming down with. I just get this feeling that there's changes to come and missing the C!BR show makes me a contributor to this. Besides, I'm going broke and I may not be able to afford to see them in the spring. Besides, there was this for the April gig:
Contrary to their name, not electroclashers. More like flyover-country, cyborg Gwar-style performance-art bullschtick, apparently. Except they sound sort of like Insane Clown Posse, at least when they try to rap. When they do death-metal stuff, they’re even more inept. And then there are the cabaret songs about being, like, Jewish. Or something—they have a concept album called Ten Commandments. Which sucks. Also: Cobraman. (EDDY)
Which is wrong because Gwar is made out of people and Captured! By Robots is made out of robots. And "songs about being, like, Jewish"? You mean Hebrew Man is "about being, like, Jewish"? Okay, he don't like C!BR, fine, that's your opinion, but don't dis and dismiss a band or their material because they're Jewish. When I was at that show, a guy asked me if I'd read the review and I told him I did. "Why do they gotta take everything so seriously?" he'd asked.
This was the review for Friday's gig:
These flyover-country Gwar-style performance-fart bullschtickers mix Insane Clown Posse-imitation thrash-rap slop with cyborg cabaret songs about being, like, Jewish. Their new CD, combining a juggalo-moronic "musical version of the movie version of The Ten Commandments" with something called Get Fit With . . . Captured! By Robots, is unbearable. With Schaffer The Darklord. (Eddy)
Flyover-country? What about C!BR is "flyover-country"? What is flyover-country? Unbearable? What about them is unbearable? I told myself: Waah waah waah my back hurts? Stop being such a baby. Besides, winter's coming and I'm not going to want to go out that often. I checked Tribeca's site: Doors 9, Shaffer 9:30, C!BR 10:30. See, that's not so bad. A listing earlier in the month had everything going on an hour later. Compared to Seanchai's 1:15-1:30 end, that's not so bad at all. But I left my camera home. I still have pix to develop from April and will be taking pix all day at the shower.
"Didja read the review we got?" JBot asks me. I told him I did, and that's why I had to go. And the "like, Jewish" part being an insult on top of whether or not he liked the band. Not only do they suck, they're Jewish, too. "Somebody from The Press is supposed to be coming to do a feature, but maybe they won't after seeing that. It's funny, we're media darlings everywhere but NYC." So I told him how Eddy always does stuff like that and puts so much effort into acting like he doesn't care. "He probably only likes stuff like the Flaming Lips. I could let it bother me," JBot said, "but I've got panties to arrange and they're not doing what I want them to." He went on arranging merch, but it still bothered him. He went on about needing a thick skin and you can't let it bother you although sometimes it does and I'm standing there while he's working and talking to me, thinking, It's almost like I'm interviewing him! This is great! He finishes with "What do you call 1000 dead music writers at the bottom of the ocean?" What? "A good start." A guy at the bar offered to sell the C!BR merch during the gig. "Market research shows that people don't buy a lot of merch during the gig. Actually, market research shows that we're unlistenable."
I really wasn't sure what I was getting into with Schaffer The Darklord. Abbreviated, that's STD. According to his site, he's a "jaded rock and roll ex-patriot." But not an expatriate. Yeah, the nerdy guy in the black suit and tie and glasses at the bar offering to sell for JBot was Schaffer The Darklord. Wielding his mic like a samurai sword, STD (also short for standard--that was my next guess) threw down gangsta rap like you would not believe, the songs puctuated by stand-up comedy. He raps riff on cat owners and crackheads, and "a subject that's divided the nation: hipsters." If you use the word hipster you are a hipster, STD sez. Squares call them popular people. (Uh, who's the one on Myspace?) He goes on to say that we have to reclaim the word "party"--like in the saying "shitty party," a phrase which should not exist. He suggests gathering of douchebags and raps about a gathering of popular douchebags and a crappy band starting, much to his dismay. It's like you're there. I was standing there with my mouth hanging open, this guy is scarily good. He just celebrated his 666th bday (he doesn't look a day over 665) and when he was living in San Francisco everyone was into astrology and reading Rob Brezsny on Wednesdays (guilty). And he embodies every stereotypical aspect of his birthsign. Oh, let me guess. Self-absorbed, so vain he thinks this song is about him. Even though it was about a Scorpio attack maybe he's got some Leo rising or in his house or something. (Admitting it is the 1st step.) He bills himself as a rappist because if he calls himself a rapper, people are going to be disappointed when they get to the gig and see him onstage. "So when you write about me in your blogs tomorrow (damn you, Schaffer), be sure to spell rappist with two Ps or I'll be really embarrassed." He closed with Night Of The Living Christ, which he did at a Christian college--and cleared the room. Those who remained, prayed for him. But they were the ones who booked someone calling himself The Darklord, so equal distribution of blame, he says. True that. Jesus has been underground for 2000 years and if he comes back, it's not going to be pretty. "Yup, it's exactly what you're thinking!" He gets off the stage and I'm standing there, speechless. Another woman there said, "Do you know him?" I told her I've never seen him before in my life and she replies with a matching stunned speechless look. I know! I told her.
Captured! By Robots did a Star Trek show this time, with JBot as Captain Prickhard, Drmbot0110 as Counselor Troi, The Ape Which Hath No Name as Whorf, Son of Ape was Geordi, Gtrbot666 as Number 1 ("You smell like #2," he told Prickhard), and the Automatom as Data. There's nothing unlistenable about them because if you actually spent time listening, you'll realize that this is exactly what black/thrash metal sounds like: This glorious, driving, brutal symphony--but it's played by robots. The songs were all about Star Trek, The Next Generation and the one about alien babies, Don't Shake The Baby (Or the baby will be shaking) is a futuristic club classic, in the same vein as Speed Food Pyramid. I'm so glad I went; this is what I need before spending the day at a baby shower. Data Is Becoming Fully Functional--his "8 inches of logic coming for our pussies chaotic" and Wesley Crusher, Fuck Off. Wil Wheaton is on Myspace, JBot tells us. "Tell him he looks like kd lang because it's funny--but don't tell him it was my idea!" And Sins Of The Father, complete with a Klingon victory song--written out on a cue card so we can all sing along. Gtrbot's final observation was that this is the gayest JBot has ever gone.
Schaffer actually thanked me for standing up front during his set (unlike the lazy and limp-legged who sat down). Unreal. I told him that maybe he had some Leo aspects, but he said no, his house, rising, everything is in Scorpio. Well, he's an honorary Leo, since Leos like being the center of attention. (Admitting it is the 1st step. Maybe this isn't the gayest JBot's ever gone. Their next tour is Captured! By Robots Gets Married. JBot's going to become a certified minister (but dress as a rabbi) and he wants to marry someone at each show. "So bring someone to get married to!"
Out by midnite but the City Hall station was closed off. I went to Chambers for the 2/3 because the E wasn't stopping there. Of course I could've gotten the A to Times Square and then wandered around there. But things went well 'til Jackson Heights, where there was a 45 minute wait for the E. Something must've gone on; the Manhattan-bound was also held there, doors open, for all that time. A guy made a circle with his hand and gestured through it with his cell phone. Why did I even go out? I was more than content to stay home. I can't even remember now just how late I got in. It was as bad as coming back from Rocky's, but it was a good show and I'm glad I went.
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto, for helping me escape just when I needed to. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to thank you, please, thank you.
(We all saw that one coming so I'd be remiss by not adding the lyrics.)
I shouldn't've gone out Friday. I knew that. I was fully prepared to stay in since I had to get up super early Saturday and I needed all of my strength to deal with my family. That's why I never bought adv. tix to the show. But when I got an email ending with see you Friday, I figured that since I'm spending the day at a baby shower, seeing Seanchai the night before would make me feel so much better. But since there was a wuss in the bunch (not me), C!BR was back on, especially now that Tribeca is closing down in December. I'm not too surprised about that. Even winning "Best Club For The Lazy & Limp-Legged" can't help because of their booking and they only have shows from Wednesday to Saturday--and they get primarily jam bands, tribute bands, and no-namers, but not enough of the good stuff. Saw The Zambonis/Atom there, the Briefs, Mary Prankster, Satanicide, C!BR, Zambonis headlining, Juliette & the Licks. They did, oddly enough, book some punk shows but in NYC, you gotta have shows every night in order to stay afloat.I was just worried because not only did I have to get up early Saturday, I had a late show that nite. And I was out on Thursday--not the "Dead Kennedys" but Lady Unluck for Lizzie Boredom's last Continental show before she heads west for Fabulous Disaster and Dougie Needles & the Public Offenders, who all had the flu. (Mandy said she was going to see the "DK." It's a good thing I told her about the gig, then, since she's a fan. She also didn't know Jello Biafra isn't in the band anymore. "When else are we gonna get an opportunity to see them? Then again, that's what we said about The (NY) Dolls and now it seems they're playing every week.) When I woke up on Friday my back hurt and my shoulder socket ached as did my arm. But it feels like there's something in the air--and not just the cold I'm coming down with. I just get this feeling that there's changes to come and missing the C!BR show makes me a contributor to this. Besides, I'm going broke and I may not be able to afford to see them in the spring. Besides, there was this for the April gig:Contrary to their name, not electroclashers. More like flyover-country, cyborg Gwar-style performance-art bullschtick, apparently. Except they sound sort of like Insane Clown Posse, at least when they try to rap. When they do death-metal stuff, they’re even more inept. And then there are the cabaret songs about being, like, Jewish. Or something—they have a concept album called Ten Commandments. Which sucks. Also: Cobraman. (EDDY)
Which is wrong because Gwar is made out of people and Captured! By Robots is made out of robots. And "songs about being, like, Jewish"? You mean Hebrew Man is "about being, like, Jewish"? Okay, he don't like C!BR, fine, that's your opinion, but don't dis and dismiss a band or their material because they're Jewish. When I was at that show, a guy asked me if I'd read the review and I told him I did. "Why do they gotta take everything so seriously?" he'd asked.
This was the review for Friday's gig:
These flyover-country Gwar-style performance-fart bullschtickers mix Insane Clown Posse-imitation thrash-rap slop with cyborg cabaret songs about being, like, Jewish. Their new CD, combining a juggalo-moronic "musical version of the movie version of The Ten Commandments" with something called Get Fit With . . . Captured! By Robots, is unbearable. With Schaffer The Darklord. (Eddy)
Flyover-country? What about C!BR is "flyover-country"? What is flyover-country? Unbearable? What about them is unbearable? I told myself: Waah waah waah my back hurts? Stop being such a baby. Besides, winter's coming and I'm not going to want to go out that often. I checked Tribeca's site: Doors 9, Shaffer 9:30, C!BR 10:30. See, that's not so bad. A listing earlier in the month had everything going on an hour later. Compared to Seanchai's 1:15-1:30 end, that's not so bad at all. But I left my camera home. I still have pix to develop from April and will be taking pix all day at the shower.
"Didja read the review we got?" JBot asks me. I told him I did, and that's why I had to go. And the "like, Jewish" part being an insult on top of whether or not he liked the band. Not only do they suck, they're Jewish, too. "Somebody from The Press is supposed to be coming to do a feature, but maybe they won't after seeing that. It's funny, we're media darlings everywhere but NYC." So I told him how Eddy always does stuff like that and puts so much effort into acting like he doesn't care. "He probably only likes stuff like the Flaming Lips. I could let it bother me," JBot said, "but I've got panties to arrange and they're not doing what I want them to." He went on arranging merch, but it still bothered him. He went on about needing a thick skin and you can't let it bother you although sometimes it does and I'm standing there while he's working and talking to me, thinking, It's almost like I'm interviewing him! This is great! He finishes with "What do you call 1000 dead music writers at the bottom of the ocean?" What? "A good start." A guy at the bar offered to sell the C!BR merch during the gig. "Market research shows that people don't buy a lot of merch during the gig. Actually, market research shows that we're unlistenable."I really wasn't sure what I was getting into with Schaffer The Darklord. Abbreviated, that's STD. According to his site, he's a "jaded rock and roll ex-patriot." But not an expatriate. Yeah, the nerdy guy in the black suit and tie and glasses at the bar offering to sell for JBot was Schaffer The Darklord. Wielding his mic like a samurai sword, STD (also short for standard--that was my next guess) threw down gangsta rap like you would not believe, the songs puctuated by stand-up comedy. He raps riff on cat owners and crackheads, and "a subject that's divided the nation: hipsters." If you use the word hipster you are a hipster, STD sez. Squares call them popular people. (Uh, who's the one on Myspace?) He goes on to say that we have to reclaim the word "party"--like in the saying "shitty party," a phrase which should not exist. He suggests gathering of douchebags and raps about a gathering of popular douchebags and a crappy band starting, much to his dismay. It's like you're there. I was standing there with my mouth hanging open, this guy is scarily good. He just celebrated his 666th bday (he doesn't look a day over 665) and when he was living in San Francisco everyone was into astrology and reading Rob Brezsny on Wednesdays (guilty). And he embodies every stereotypical aspect of his birthsign. Oh, let me guess. Self-absorbed, so vain he thinks this song is about him. Even though it was about a Scorpio attack maybe he's got some Leo rising or in his house or something. (Admitting it is the 1st step.) He bills himself as a rappist because if he calls himself a rapper, people are going to be disappointed when they get to the gig and see him onstage. "So when you write about me in your blogs tomorrow (damn you, Schaffer), be sure to spell rappist with two Ps or I'll be really embarrassed." He closed with Night Of The Living Christ, which he did at a Christian college--and cleared the room. Those who remained, prayed for him. But they were the ones who booked someone calling himself The Darklord, so equal distribution of blame, he says. True that. Jesus has been underground for 2000 years and if he comes back, it's not going to be pretty. "Yup, it's exactly what you're thinking!" He gets off the stage and I'm standing there, speechless. Another woman there said, "Do you know him?" I told her I've never seen him before in my life and she replies with a matching stunned speechless look. I know! I told her. Captured! By Robots did a Star Trek show this time, with JBot as Captain Prickhard, Drmbot0110 as Counselor Troi, The Ape Which Hath No Name as Whorf, Son of Ape was Geordi, Gtrbot666 as Number 1 ("You smell like #2," he told Prickhard), and the Automatom as Data. There's nothing unlistenable about them because if you actually spent time listening, you'll realize that this is exactly what black/thrash metal sounds like: This glorious, driving, brutal symphony--but it's played by robots. The songs were all about Star Trek, The Next Generation and the one about alien babies, Don't Shake The Baby (Or the baby will be shaking) is a futuristic club classic, in the same vein as Speed Food Pyramid. I'm so glad I went; this is what I need before spending the day at a baby shower. Data Is Becoming Fully Functional--his "8 inches of logic coming for our pussies chaotic" and Wesley Crusher, Fuck Off. Wil Wheaton is on Myspace, JBot tells us. "Tell him he looks like kd lang because it's funny--but don't tell him it was my idea!" And Sins Of The Father, complete with a Klingon victory song--written out on a cue card so we can all sing along. Gtrbot's final observation was that this is the gayest JBot has ever gone. Schaffer actually thanked me for standing up front during his set (unlike the lazy and limp-legged who sat down). Unreal. I told him that maybe he had some Leo aspects, but he said no, his house, rising, everything is in Scorpio. Well, he's an honorary Leo, since Leos like being the center of attention. (Admitting it is the 1st step. Maybe this isn't the gayest JBot's ever gone. Their next tour is Captured! By Robots Gets Married. JBot's going to become a certified minister (but dress as a rabbi) and he wants to marry someone at each show. "So bring someone to get married to!"
Out by midnite but the City Hall station was closed off. I went to Chambers for the 2/3 because the E wasn't stopping there. Of course I could've gotten the A to Times Square and then wandered around there. But things went well 'til Jackson Heights, where there was a 45 minute wait for the E. Something must've gone on; the Manhattan-bound was also held there, doors open, for all that time. A guy made a circle with his hand and gestured through it with his cell phone. Why did I even go out? I was more than content to stay home. I can't even remember now just how late I got in. It was as bad as coming back from Rocky's, but it was a good show and I'm glad I went.
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto, for helping me escape just when I needed to. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I want to thank you, please, thank you.(We all saw that one coming so I'd be remiss by not adding the lyrics.)
posted by heather @ 2:05 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home